The Brand Revolutionary (Reloaded)

The consignment shop in Fall Branch sells home schooling materials, nightcrawlers.

2010-08-08T21:32:00.001-05:00

This is normal.

Sent from my iPod Touch. Please visit http://willconley.com.

I will no longer be posting to Brand Revolutionary or Man of Many Words.

2010-08-07T17:54:00.001-05:00

Starting now, all further posts to my Posterous blog Will Conley's Random Things will no longer be auto-posted to my Blogger blogs Brand Revolutionary and Man of Many Words.

If you read me on Blogger and would like to keep up on my personal thoughts, photos, videos, etc., please subscribe to Will Conley's Random Things at http://willconley.posterous.com.

I will continue to selectively auto-post to my Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Flickr, Picasa, YouTube, Vimeo, Viddler etc. as appropriate.

I am not shutting down Brand Revolutionary or Man of Many Words. Both of those blogs still get plenty of search engine traffic due to the occasionally useful information therein. I am just mostly abandoning them.

So subscribe to Will Conley's Random Things, and be merry.

And while you're at it...!

Have a look at my business website: http://willconley.com

No! Nein! Iie! Aniyo! Bu Shi! Nao!

2010-08-07T10:23:00.001-05:00

ALRIGHT, stop NAGGING!

And for the last time, Mom, I don't speak those languages. Do I look like a fucking PhD to you?! We live in a shack and subsist on possum sandwiches and I'm six, for Christ's sake.

(Sedona, Arizona, January 2010)

Props Where Props Are Due

2010-08-05T22:38:00.001-05:00

This should come as a surprise to the good people at Growthink.

I owe my recent interest in crowdfunding (and angel investing, venture capital, and business planning) to Growthink. They graciously offered me the chance to assist them with my writing services. In so doing, they gave me an introduction to the interesting world of seed and early-stage business management.

Therefore I felt it only fair to give them a shout-out here. Growthink is a business plan consultancy, middle market investment bank, and feasibility study service. Since 1999 they have helped over 2,000 businesses raise $1 billion in capital.

Visit http://growthink.com to get an overall sense of the company.

Visit http:/crowdfundingformula.com to view a tantalizing video by Growthink co-founder Dave Lavinsky.

This is NOT a paid advertisement. Just props where props are due.

Feedback requested! Should I keep writing about business topics? Sample article within.

2010-08-02T08:30:00.001-05:00

Hi there.

I am testing the waters to see whether my business writing is of worth to you and your networks. Depending on your feedback, I will continue to write about angel capital, venture capital, crowdfunding, and other business investment topics. I will also attempt to research and answer any of your questions about such topics, to boot.

The more valuable my writing is, the more likely you are to link to my articles and share them with your networks. The more links and eyeballs my articles get, the more revenue shares I rake in.

On the other hand, if my business writing is not compelling enough to warrant viral distribution, I make bunk and it isn't worth my time financially (even though I do rather enjoy it.)

That's why I am asking for your feedback.

Please read my article "How to Determine Whether a New Company is a Good Candidate for Venture Capital Funding" on eHow. It is one of many I have written, but I am choosing this one for testing the waters.

If you like the article, pass it around like the town bicycle. Also click the blue "Like" button, as spotlighted in this gratuitous screenshot:

Cheers, and I look forward to your feedback. Should I keep going?

Aaaand Logo Attempt #3: "To The Moon, Alice."

2010-07-30T16:44:00.001-05:00

Logo Attempt #2. What do you think of this one?

2010-07-30T14:42:00.001-05:00

I have a logo. I made it. It's mine. I am proud of my logo. Mine(c) mine(R) mine™. Look!

2010-07-30T13:02:00.001-05:00

Cow Grazing at Sunset in Fall Branch, Tennessee, July 15, 2010

2010-07-17T22:29:00.001-05:00

There's the beef.

See the full gallery on posterous

Things change quickly in my life. Here, let me slow it down for you.

2010-07-09T17:17:00.001-05:00

These are stills from a video of today's brief but banging thunderstorm today here in Fall Branch, Tennessee, where I currently reside.

I left California a little over three weeks ago. My roommate's landlord decided he can't have roommates, so I had to move out. I chose to come to Fall Branch, where a friend of mine from California is now living. The rent is cheap, the hills are rolling, and the animals far outnumber the people in this little town. The nearest "city" is the Tri-Cities of Bristol, Kingsport, and Johnson City, which straddle the Virginia-Tennessee border, about a half-hour drive away from here.

I have two purposes in life: to move, and to give. I seem to be very good at moving. What I am not good at is giving. The people I met and befriended in California taught me all about giving. They were relentlessly generous with their material belongings, but more important, they were always there to talk to me and lend me some of their light. I decided I need to do that too.

More pictures and stories to come. On this blog I give you only the synopsis. Details may or may not be forthcoming, but I wanted to keep you in the loop.

- Will

A few reactions to my first cautious steps into a study and experience of Theosophy.

2010-06-14T23:11:00.001-05:00

I went to a Theosophy class at Theosophy Hall in downtown Los Angeles last night with my most excellent roommate Pedro. I enjoyed the experience. I wasn't sure what was going on during the presentation and ensuing discussion - were they seeking the truth? conveying the truth? - yet the experience was so intellectually stimulating that I left feeling quite aware of my surroundings. It was a transporting experience.

One guy gave me some free printed matter, which I read today. I also did some background research on the oh-so-trustworthy Internet. (I trust you can hear the measured sarcasm on that last point.)

My impressions are not all roses, though.

I like that the Theosophists encourage free thought. This critique on my first impressions of the study is made in the spirit of free thought.

Here goes.

I agree with Theosophists when they say life is continuous. With death comes birth. Matter begets matter.

But I disagree with Theosophists when they say we are each a distinct personality or soul which is continuous or permanent.

I believe there to be one consciousness, as Thesosophy states. But I disagree with the idea that there is something apart from matter. The one consciousness is matter in different forms. Matter is spirit, not a vehicle for spirit.

I agree with the Theosophists when they say there is consciousness in a stone, an atom, a planet. I believe Space has consciousness, yes. Science shows "empty space" to be quite full indeed. Where there is anything, there is consciousness.

I do not believe, as the Theosophists believe, that there is such a thing as "the progression of the soul." There are only curves, not some brave charge "forward." There is no ultimate forward or backward. Einstein proved this with his theory of relativity.

The Theosophists state that there is such a thing as a "spiritual evolution" and that such an evolution moves "forward" into "higher" states of being.

Theosophists have a faulty understanding of the word "evolution." You, dear reader, probably have it wrong too. It's so simple. Evolution is a very specific concept. It has nothing to do with strength, intelligence, "karma", or anything else.

Evolution is simply adaptation. Most self-described evolutionists don't even understand this, nor do the creationists. If you need to fly, you get wings. If you need to slither, you get scales. If you need to breathe, you get lungs or gills. If you need to do photosynthesis, you get chlorophyll. If you need to sit there and not move for a few million years, you get to be a heavy-ass boulder. Whatever you role is, that's what you're suited for. If the environment changes or you leave your environment, your features probably won't work anymore. You die. For example, if your navigation system depends on abundant light, and suddenly you get lost in a system of caves, some other being who has been testing out a snazzy new way of seeing in the dark called "echolocation" takes your place. You know what animal that is. The lowly bat. And he happens to be alive when you're fucking dead. That's evolution, dudes and dudettes. It's really simple. Unfortunately, our big-ass human ego is constantly trying (and failing) to understand everything in terms of superiority and inferiority, and so we can't seem to grasp the very simple concept of evolution, which has nothing to do with "worthiness".

Note: When what's-his-name said "survival of the fittest," fittest meant "best-suited," not "most superior" nor "looks best in a bathing suit." A bigger glove is not necessarily better. You need the size that fits your hand, and that's that.

I find it egotistical when I hear anyone talk of "lower" and "higher" life forms. A human is not higher than an ant. It is different, and suited for different purposes. Ants are good at finding one grain of sugar, while humans are good at thinking symbolically. Humans may or may not be more complex than other life forms and materials, but complexity does not equal "height". That is stupid.

The ability to think in moral or ethical terms is an adaption, not an advance or evidence of an immaterial soul. We have morals and ethics because we are not naturally good at knowing what we're supposed to do. If anything, the existence of morals and ethics among humans speaks of our weak instincts. Instinct suits the rest of the animal and plant kingdom just fine. Just because we don't know how to use the tool called "instinct," that doesn't make us better or worse than anyone else. We have morals and ethics because we have outsourced instinct to a linear way of thinking. Make sense?

We are not separate from nature, and we are no more different from the rest of nature than an ant is different from an elephant. Everything is different, everything is special, and every life form must be understood on its own terms.

I do like Theosophy, as a religion, as a group of people. It's definitely not a cult. Just a bunch of smarties trying to find a religious understanding that suits them. They're just looking for a reason to live, and such a thing is difficult to do when you're of above-average intelligence in a "secular" world. Thus this quasi-historical, quasi-scientific religion (yes, it's a religion, even if a weak one) was formed to satisfy the craving for immortality of the ego.

We all have irrational needs. We all need to believe in immortality on some level. Theosophy is just one in a long lie of budding traditions that tries to pass itself off as a rational replacement for religion. There is no rational replacement for religion, and we all need religion. Please call it religion, okay? It's religion. That's fine.

This post has undergone exactly zero edits.

A Dedicated Wife and Mother Generously Shares Her Experiences with Bi-Polar Disorder

2010-06-11T12:04:00.001-05:00

This is the 5th and latest episode of The Search for Meaning at the Brink of the Unknown, my weekly radio/podcast show in which I interview for 50 minutes one interesting person who has a light to shine in the dark places.

We also get goofy on occasion, as let's face it - I have no idea what the hell I am doing. As if that ever stopped me from doing anything.

This week's episode deal's with bi-polar disorder. My guest today is Christy, a.k.a. "Charlie Angel," a.k.a. http://twitter.com/IZTAES, a.k.a. http://iztaes.blogspot.com, who was married to a man with bi-polar disorder and has two children with the condition.

Christy posted a story in late April at her blog Tea and Oranges relating her experiences with those living with bi-polar disorder. In the pieces she lauded the courage of the band Blue October, whose lead singer has the disorder and spreads awareness by openly talking about it. Such openness is not a common thing, given the stigma associated with the illness.

I found Christy's post to be compassionate, passionate, and balls-out honest - and so asked her to be on my show. She managed to take time out of her busy schedule (she has five children!) to share what she knows.

There is no stigma here at The Search for Meaning. Christy's attitude is just as brave and open as that of Blue October. The interview went swimmingly, in my opinion.

As always, share and enjoy this MP3. Stream it, download it, repost it, whatever you want to do with it. I want everyone to hear this.

For some unknown reason (insecurity), I used the eff word once near the beginning. So if you share this with grandma, just bang on some pots and pans when I say it.

I am striving to keep my "um"'s to a minumum. Feedback of any type is welcome.

Download now or listen on posterous

Searching_for_Meaning_at_the_Brink_of_the_Unknown_-_Episode_5_-_2010-06-11_-_Will_Conley_with_Christy_Angel.mp3 (12793 KB)

(http://hamguin-nohiding.blogspot.com/2008/06/start-where-you-are-my-sacred-life.html)
(http://hamguin-nohiding.blogspot.com/2009/07/unfettered-unafraid-not-hiding.html)

Rick Hamrick SHINES as my latest guest on "The Search for Meaning at the Brink of the Unknown" (Ep. 4)

2010-06-09T17:06:00.001-05:00

I am very proud of techie and seeker Rick Hamrick for having reached this radiant place in life. The man really does shine, and made me the interviewer feel quite at ease discussing such matters as the stages of life, money, and, of course, shining.

I suspect Rick has worked hard at becoming such a fun guy. There is plenty ahead of him - and enough behind him - for conveying some very solid observations about life, the universe, and everything. Incidentally, the answer to life, the universe, and everything is not "42," as you will hear.

As always, this show is entirely improvised, and there is no agenda. I apologize for my um's.

Download now or listen on posterous

Searching_for_Meaning_at_the_Brink_of_the_Unknown_-_Episode_4_-_2010-05-15_-_Will_Conley_with_Rick_Hamrick.mp3 (11722 KB)

In Rick's own words, a short backgrounder:

Rick is a father of four grown daughters, all wonderfully unique in their interests and passions. He is a career IT guy who has been between gigs long enough that the gap is beginning to look more Grand Canyonish by the day. Most recently, his wife's career is his focus as he seeks to be all the help he can be in publishing Choosing Easy World, his wife's first book released by a major publisher.

All of that "what does he do" stuff is great, yet there is more going on than just stuff he does.

A few years ago, Rick claimed to be a Sufi mystic masquerading as a corporate IT guy. Now that he is not a corporate IT guy--or is one without portfolio--he has more time to exhibit more of the inner mystic.

While it is still a tongue-in-cheek claim, as he has never formally studied Sufism or any religion, there is something to be said for claiming who you think you can be, then becoming it.

That's where Rick is now. He is becoming. We don't know what, but he is becoming.

Highly Nerdy Former Journalist Explains the Difference Between an About Page and a Services Page

2010-06-08T17:41:00.001-05:00

Whereas an About page is all about establishing brand and tone and giving readers a full journalistic sense of the company as a whole, a Services page is essentially a list that shows exactly what the readers can get from said company. Think of the About page as a news story, and the Services page as a grocery store aisle.

About

An About page should always and forevermore be called an About page. Links to the About page should read "About". The About page should be accessible from anywhere on the website, via a link at the top and/or bottom of the website. Don't hide your About page as a needle in a haystack.

The About page must contain a bit of prose that conveys the journalistic Five W's and H of the company - Who, What, When, Where, Why, How. Often these terms overlap, but make sure each of the Five W's and H are touched on in the About page. Sometimes the 5WH must be conveyed in the design, rather than in words - or in both. You need to give a clear, vibrant picture of the company here - quickly and in a highly readable manner.

Who is the company? Are you tech consultants, green thumbs, an artist? Name names, if you can. Include headshots, if possible. Give a sense of humanity by using a distinctive style and voice.
What is the company, and what does it do? Is it a law firm that specializes in helping their clients to not get fleeced in a divorce? If you sell widgets that nobody understands, what the hell is a widget? Make readers "get it" quickly.
When was the company formulated, how long has it been in operation, how fast does the company deliver services? Readers need you to give them a sense of the passing of time. It makes them feel safe. I don't know why. Just include the element of time, somehow.
Where is the company based? What geographical region does it serve? If the company is decentralized, you still need to mention place names or. We still live on Planet Earth, and so people need a sense of place.
Why does the company do what it does? What drives the people behind the company? What is the mission, the aim of the company? What is its purpose, its raison d'etre?
How does the company deliver services, how does the company operate, how can a reader get the company's services right now?

Services

The Services page is a list, period. When someone clicks on a link that says "Services" - and it should always be called "Services", by the way - they are looking for a list. Therefore it must contain bullet points, headings, and other dividing methods.

A list contains nouns. The nouns can be expanded upon if necessary to explain unknown terms. Include all of your services. If some of your services can only be explained after speaking with a client, or if your services are far too numerous to include every last one of them, you must add a paragraph of prose to give readers a general idea.

Include also an action step in the Services page. This can mean linking people to the Products page, or to the Contact page. (Better yet, include contact info on every single page of your website. Don't make people strain to reach you. Just be there for them every step of the way.)

About the Author: Will Conley is a copywriter and former journalist whose high school "College English" teacher made fun of him until he learned the meaning of "parallel sentence."

You Are Not Above the Law: Three Things Real People Look for in a Business Website

2010-06-08T16:42:00.001-05:00

Some rules never change, nor should they. The fact that you can read these reads proves my point.

This article is from the standpoint of someone who espouses the "path of least resistance" approach to website architecture and information dispersal. The faster your visitors can find what they are looking for, the happier everyone is.

You can be as creative as you want, but only within certain limits. Just like spoken language, there is a grammar to web navigation, replete with tacit rules, signals, indicators, and sign posts.

A good website follows all the rules of clear navigation - and your creativity can thrive within those bounds.

I always relate the story of the behavioral psychology experiment in which two groups of children were placed in two sets of circumstances and their behavior observed.

The first group of children, Group A, were placed in a fenced-in environment and given toys to play with. The second, Group B, was placed in a wide-open field and given the same toys.

Group A was observed to have had more fun, because there were limits within which their creativity could be expressed. Group B had less fun, because there were no limits. They were wary and disoriented.

Freedom is freedom only when there are rules. Every musician knows this. Miles Davis said you should learn all the musical scales so well that you can forget them.

You must standardize. There is nothing saying you can't have personality without following the commonly accepted signals of web navigation. Here are three non-optional elements of a business website.

1. Homepage

A business website should have a home or landing page with enough information for the reader to learn everything they need to know about the essence of what the business does. This means there should be enough search engine optimized body copy there for Internet users to find the business, but it should also project the brand, attitude or essence of the business.

Directly or indirectly, the homepage body copy should convey:

something about the mission of the company,
what the company can do for the user,
who their typical user (target audience) is, and
an introduction to the website.

The body copy of the homepage should incorporate links to the relevant sections of the website. Think of the homepage body copy as the welcome wagon and tour guide to the rest of the website. It should take readers by the arm and lead them to where they should go next - all the while informing them about the company and, if applicable, leading them to an action (purchase, download, further click-through, what-have-you.)

2. About

Every business website must have an About page that is easy to locate from anywhere on the website. When people click through to the About page, they are looking for fast access to
the essence of the company,

what it does,
where it is located,
who is behind it, and
what the company offers to the target audience.

Give the readers what they are looking for. Don't hide.

3. Products

If applicable, a prominent link to the Products page should be easy to access from anywhere on the website. Make it easy to find your products at any time, and you will make sales.

About the Author: Will Conley is a copywriter who feels that no matter what your profession, you should learn the rules so well that you can forget them.

A few thoughts on menstruation, boys behaving badly, ritual, and the Gulf oil spill.

2010-06-02T09:18:00.001-05:00

You're weak, ladies and gentleman. Weak, whiny, woman-girls and man-boys. And it's because we as a culture have no meaningful rituals to separate childhood from adulthood. If we had stronger, more jarring initiation rites to mark the time between childhood and adulthood, we would all be less pathetic and whiny and heartless as adults.

And if we replaced our self-indulgence with a healthy fear of Mother Earth, the Gulf might not be your "oops" garbage dump.

The world needs to wake and make a big deal of a girl's first menstruation. Her body is becoming a vessel capable of sustaining the species, and we should use it as a time to help the girl become aware that she must eventually let go of the trappings of childhood and accept her place in the world as a mature and responsible and strong human being.

We have turned menstruation into an object of shame and embarrassment. At best, it's aslightly droll and unfortunate event. We talk in code about it and try not to be conscious of it. Silly excuses and lies are made up about why a girl or woman is absent from school or work.

The Aboriginal Australians have rites in which a woman's first menstruation is marked by sitting in a tent for days and days, forcing the girl to come to grips with the fact that she must now let go of childhood and all the weak, needy things associated with it. If she fails to grow the up, the Aborigines can't use her and she gets kicked out of the tribe. In the unforgiving landscape of Australia, ostricization means death. She who fails to mature mentally is a danger to the survival of the community.

Same goes for the men. We need to wake up and make a big deal of a boy who starts to misbehave as a teenager, and throw him head-first into what it means to be a man. We need a point at which a man learns that this rock is a real bitch to live on and he had better grow a pair now.

Men don't have a natural division point between childhood and adulthood as a female does, so ancient cultures have made up rituals to make it obvious that the boy has to grow the hell up or the tribe will die.

The Aborigines have an elaborate, terrifying ritual to snap boys into behaving well. When a boy starts acting all tough and egotistical as testosterone is wont to make a male do, the grown men dress up like spirits, come in making a commotion, "kidnap" the boy from the mother (who plays along), circumcise him, subincise him (splitting), and thus induct him into the mens club. They scare the living fuck out of him in one painful fell swoop and make it abundantly clear that he is no longer a momma's boy, that the tribe depends on him, and he had better shape the fuck up or he's a dead man.

Sure, we have weak certain initiation rites in some cultures. Jewish kids have bah mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs. Catholic children get a smile and a slap on the cheek from the nice priest. Latinas have quinceañeras on their 15th birthday to help them act more like spoiled princesses. Men have rites involving self-indulgence – such as going to the nudie bar for the first time, smoking his first cigarette, drinking his “first” beer, and other “special” “firsts”.

In schools and frats we have ridiculous "initiations" administered by our equally immature peers. Some might say the grade school system itself – and college – are good common ways in our culture to mark the occasions of growing up, but those people are wrong. Like a frog in a pot of lukewarm water heated up slowly, such a gradual, plodding process makes no impact. The person never leaves the comfortable confines of childhood. He never feels a change. And we all eventually boil.

Well isn't all that special. None of our common rituals jar us awake. They are all "just something we go through", and don't really make a lasting change on most humans.

This post was inspired by The Power of Myth, an edited transcript of the Joseph Campbell/Bill Moyers interviews, but it is also inspired by other anthropological literature I've read. I've got a little bit of knowledge, and I'm feeling dangerous, so there you have it. My opinion about why we are all so weak and pathetic and whiny. I am sick and tired of hearing about "emotional safety", and I grow weary of us who lack the fortitude to maintain composure no matter what the circumstances.

This is a tough world to live in, and if you think it's supposed to be easy, then I rest my case: We need ritual. We need myth. To teach us what it means to grow up.

In writing this, I have left myself open to ridicule, corrections, accusations, and other concerns ranging from the legitimate and the banal. So go ahead. Give me your best shot. But before you do, think about what I have said here. Try to make sense of it. Give the information/opinion/perspective a chance. And dream with me of a better future.

I wrote this poem today while walking.

2010-06-01T20:29:00.001-05:00

Along the foothills
Down the boulevard
Threading a path along the valley
Straight ahead wide open territory

To my right mountains loom
If I close my right eye
I can pretend I am back home
Walking along some flat old highway
In the flat open plain of Minnesota

I walk on shifting sand
I stop and dig
Won't stop until I hit bedrock
Then drill a hole until the bit snaps
And plant the first piling
To my impregnable fortress

Nothing will topple it
No one gets across the drawbridge
Without knowing my dance macabre
Coreographed by the hands of puppet gods
Me versus pantheons

A lifelong tangle of war
Until by strings I rearrange the gods my way
And sit

***

Sent from my iPod

Seven Principles and Seven Desires

2010-05-30T13:19:00.001-05:00

Weeks ago I vowed to write a personal declaration of principles. I started writing them today. See below.

While writing my principles I stumbled upon a list of desires too. The two are separate, and I'll explain why in a minute.

Some of My Principles:

1. Faith.
2. A mission.
3. Hard work.
4. Persistence.
5. Breathing.
6. Giving.
7. Smiling.

Some of My Desires:

1. Embrace.
2. Money.
3. Food, clothing, shelter.
4. Happiness (not to be confused with smiling.)
5. World peace.
6. Self-improvement.
7. Release.

Principles are those things I have control over. Desires are those things I have no control over that my gods may bestow upon me if they feel like it.

You might wonder why "self-improvement" goes not in the Principles but in the Desires list. Isn't self-improvement a choice? No, it's not. Look around you. Do you see all the people talking about self-improvement? Do you see them getting any better? No. Self-improvement is a gift bestowed on you by your gods, if they feel like it, and if you pursue your principles.

This is a working document.

A mixed review of my tweets and radio show by one bold fan.

2010-05-30T00:12:00.001-05:00

This is the most balanced unsolicited feedback from a stranger I have yet received for my writing and speaking.

The feedback which you are about to read came to me via DM (direct message) on Twitter - rapid-fire, unrelenting. It is in response to my pot-stirring, "fence-sitting" tweets of the day - as well as to my radio interview series "The Search for Meaning at the Brink of the Unknown", in which I interview one person per episode about whatever they are passionate about.

The DMs sent to me by this person add up to a full-on letter - so that is how I edited and am presenting them here: as a letter.

The letter is blunt, opinionated, critical - to me, amusing - yet balanced with the proper dose of ego-soothing sugar to help the medicine go down.

Well done, anonymous fan. And thank you. I am listening. Your message may even sink in some year. You know how learning and self-improvement can be. Slow.

Here is the letter:

I love the image of you sitting on the fence, not declaring whose side you are on! I'm glad you know about [inner] division. Just don't divide by 0. It's an absurdity.

In the background, I see a line of barbed wire fences on the horizon. In the foreground, I see an extension of a steel gate - like one guard guarding a driveway. If your contention is that you are not sitting on a barbed wire fence as opposed to a steel tubed fence, then it's just semantics that you jest with. Both cases still present a fence.

Enjoy your "pot stirring." It's a refreshing change to the banal tweets.

(At this point I thanked this person for the metaphorical feedback, assured him or her I would be deciphering it for days to come, and complimented him or her on his or her way of criticizing.)

I feel summarily dismissed. Thanks for the criticism/compliments of me, though I did not ask for it. I really enjoyed Ep 2. [of The Search for Meaning at the Brink of the Unknown]! Good sound quality! Your guest for Ep. 2 [Michael Hill, Twitter handle @michaelowenhill] is very articulate and interesting. Good choice on your behalf. I wish though that you had not interrupted him so much.

I find the majority of your tweets somewhat pretentious and purposefully inciting. I Imagine that is your intention, to be taken tongue-in-cheek.

("Good feedback. Thank you. Dismissed? Bullshit.")

Are you always so laconic? I felt dismissed because you did not address sitting on the fence. It sounded like, "You are a good girl, and now run off."

("Just listening.")

You are quick-witted as well! We all have our areas of conceit; your pride centers around viewing the world beneath your superiority. I don't really know you, and as you pointed out, as authors we have no powers over how others view our tweets. But on the whole, I respect you. I admire you for pointing out our foibles. There are so few willing to be open to ridicule or conjecture.

It is my hope that you will not take offense if I have a different viewpoint. I am a fan and will enjoy listening to more of your shows. I value you.

("Can I use your feedback as a testimonial?")

Please do use it - all.

And that was that.

Now how often does a company or a person(ality) present balanced testimonials to promote their product/show? Not often. That's how superior I am.

Now listen to my radio show. You can find it for free right on my Posterous blog, http://willconley.posterous.com. Look for posts titled or tagged The Search for Meaning at the Brink of the Unknown. Stream or download it freely. I ain't a-scared.

Oh, and if you have something I might want to advertise on my show, feel free to make me an offer. Seriously, I want advertisers to pay my rent.

NOW AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD: "The Search for Meaning at the Brink of the Unknown" Ep. 2 with @MichaelOwenHill

2010-05-28T13:11:00.001-05:00

The next installment in my radio series that asks the question, "What the hell is going on?" With honored guest Michael Owen Hill of St. Paul, Minnesota. I enjoyed our freewheeling conversation.

The thing I like the most about doing this series is establishing multiple beginnings. As the subject matter tends to dart from topic to topic, the podcast is intended to give a glimpse, a menu, a selection of things about the guest.

We aim to expand our mind. Enjoy the podcast and share it freely. Subscribe to this blog to make sure you don't miss any episodes of The Search for Meaning at the Brink of the unknown.

Download now or listen on posterous

Searching_for_Meaning_at_the_Brink_of_the_Unknown_-_Episode_2_-_2010-05-15_-_Will_Conley_with_Michael_Owen_Hill.mp3 (11732 KB)

WARNING: This song may be offensive to some viewers. Listeners, on the other hand, will be pants-pissingly delighted.

2010-05-21T12:08:00.001-05:00

"Anyone who worships Bukowski needs to sober up. Nuff said." - @jepun

That is the tweet (and new follower) that prompted me to post my song "Judgment Gun," which includes this disdainful reference to Bukowsky:

You smoke to make your voice sound like gravel

So that one day everyone will finally take you seriously

And revere you as the next Charles Bukowsky

Only wiser

And therefore even more of a jackass

WARNING: This song may be offensive to some viewers. Listeners, on the other hand, will all be delighted to the point of pissing themselves.

Download now or listen on posterous

Musclemouth_-_Judgment_Gun.mp3 (1910 KB)

Track Title: Judgment Gun

Lyrics written and vocals performed by: Will Conley a.k.a. Musclemouth

Original music composed and performed around the lyrics by: Nolan Voss (drums, bass, guitar - I think)

Recorded in Nolan Voss' bedroom studio in New Haven, Connecticut in 2006

Untitled

2010-05-21T11:57:00.001-05:00

"Anyone who worships Bukowski needs to sober up. Nuff said." - @jepun

That is the tweet (and new follower) that prompted me to post my song "Judgment Gun," which includes this disdainful reference to Bukowsky:

You smoke to make your voice sound like gravel

So that one day, everyone will finally take you seriously

And revere you as the next Charles Bukowsky

Only wiser

And therefore even more of a jackass

WARNING: This song may be offensive to some viewers. Listeners, on the other hand, will not be offended in the least, to a person.

Searching for Meaning at the Brink of the Unknown Ep. 2 with guest Emma Alvarez Gibson

2010-05-17T18:14:00.001-05:00

Hi all.

I am releasing Episode 3 of "Searching for Meaning..." early because of the great timing. Writer, publisher and brand strategist Emma Alvarez Gibson (@ealvarezgibson on Twitter) discusses today's release of the new magazine Delish Mag (http://delishmag.com).

As the host I also made sure we went off on many tangents and abrupt topic changes to see what we could learn about life itself.

Enjoy and spread this recording far and wide, if you are moved to do so.

- Will

Download now or listen on posterous

Searching_for_Meaning_at_the_Brink_of_the_Unknown_-_Episode_3_-_2010-05-16_-_Will_Conley_with_Emma_Alvarez_Gibson.mp3 (9457 KB)

"The Search for Meaning at the Brink of the Unknown" Ep. 1 with honored guest Jason Thompson (@PotatoFilm)

2010-05-15T17:00:00.001-05:00

Here via teleconference I interview movie critic, scriptwriter and author Jason Thompson of Los Angeles, California. I've known Jason as @PotatoFilm on Twitter for many months now. This interview was the first time we ever heard each other's voices.

Topics covered include day jobs, movies, music, John Williams, Jaws, Natural Born Killers, the elements of the perfect Hollywood movie that has not yet been made, the problem of clarity in multiplicitous environs, and much more.

My goal as an interviewer here was to delve into the mind and activities of Jason Thompson to see what we can discover about the larger world. To see the universe in the petals of a flower.

I hope you enjoy this natural, improvised conversation as it meanders its way around the central topic of movies - and quietly wades into deeper waters en route to clarity.

Download now or listen on posterous

The_Search_for_Meaning_-_Episode_1_-_2010-05-15_-_Will_Conley_with_Jason_Thompson.mp3 (11136 KB)

After hearing this 10-minute improvised recording, what do you envision my call-in radio show focusing on?

2010-05-14T17:26:00.001-05:00

Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io

Testing Drop.io Voicemail-to-MP3 Embedding in Posterous #It'sTheNerdHour!

2010-05-14T15:44:00.001-05:00

This might or might not work. :)

Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io

"Jump" - A poetry and music soundscape by producer Justin Dullum and spoken word artist Will Conley

2010-05-13T12:50:00.001-05:00

Jump by Dullum And Conley
Download now or listen on posterous

Will Conley - Jump.mp3 (1624 KB)

The talented, innovative musician Justin Dullum and I recorded my poem "Jump" at his studio, D.O. Music, in 2002 - back when we both lived in Minneapolis. I gave Justin carte blanche to do anything he wanted to my poem. I threw him some suggestions - make it "echoey", use heavy bass hits, have lots of cut-and-paste of my voice - that sort of thing.

This was the result.

Listen to samples of Justin singing and playing guitar at http://www.isound.com/justin_dullum.

Teach Like Your Hair's on Fire: The Methods and Madness Inside Room 56 by Rafe Esquith

Brief Review of "Teach Like Your Hair's On Fire" by Rafe Esquith

2010-05-08T10:19:00.001-05:00

My rating: 5 of 5 stars This was instructional but mostly it was beautiful. I cried. This teacher will blow your mind over and over and over. Read it if you are a teacher, but also read "Teach Like Your Hair's On Fire" if you want to know how to live a better life. I learned - and re-learned - a few priceless lessons. View all my reviews >>

Hobo to Will via pic-text moments ago: "Million-dollar view. Didn't cost a dime."

2010-05-04T12:56:00.001-05:00

A hobo on social security from Connecticut named Eric passed through Azusa last week, befriended me, set out eastward via bus yesterday carrying only a backpack, a tent, and a duffel bag, made three hundred miles in a day, camped out under the stars who-knows-where, and pic-texted this image to me moments ago with the words, "Million-dollar view. Didn't cost a dime."

This is about six layers of my voice and nothing else: "A Drone Tone Poem"

2010-04-28T17:42:00.001-05:00

A Drone Tone Poem by Musclemouth
Download now or listen on posterous

Musclemouth - A Drone Tone Poem.mp3 (2974 KB)

Enjoy.

Twitter: http://twitter.com/willconley777/
Facebook: http://facebook.com/wconley/
Posterous: http://willconley.posterous.com/

And for my fellow social media omnivores, here is my entire Web footprint: http://willconley.extendr.com/

Rant? Poem? Satirical allegory to be read in the voice of fawning PBS naturalist Marty Stouffer? You decide.

2010-04-28T15:21:00.001-05:00

Hi!

I'm Marty Stouffer.

*fawning, smiling Marty*

And this is:

Wild America!

*uplifting nature music*

Last week on Wild America,

we saw the bald eagle removed from the endangered species list
and take to the Technicolor skies!

*caw!*

Soaring freely amongst the smog,
this majestic creature surveyed the land
for some well deserved prey,

dove for a three-headed frog and
drowned in a river of pig shit outside a factory feed lot in Upstate New York.

*intense nature music*

The flowing river carried the eagle
along with several newly evolved strains of lethal microbes
spawned from the fanatical use of antibiotics
to your local water treatment facility.

The porcine feces was strained through a colander
and piped into some lady's quadruped bathtub in New Jersey.

*Marty takes a long drink of vodka from the plastic bottle*

*music picks up speed*

Curiously, her antibiotic hand soap had no effect
on the avian bird flue she subsequently contracted.

Had her grieving dog not hacked to death on its bark collar
alerting the neighborhood with its rotting corpse,
the old lady would never have been found.

*kazoos*

This week on
Wild America:

We'll see donkeys and elephants fight
like junkyard dogs

over sacred cows and red herrings

to the passionate bleat of
three hundred million well fed sheep.

*eerie silence*

*Marty shooting up*

Next week:

Jackals
rape
everything.

Same shit different day,
I'm Marty Stouffer.

Here is a song I made about how I am a slut.

2010-04-27T19:11:00.001-05:00

The Circle Game by Musclemouth
Download now or listen on posterous

Musclemouth - The Circle Game.mp3 (2881 KB)

Listen to and download, free of charge, "The Circle Game" by Musclemouth, an alias of mine. I recorded this song, which is a hip hop fantasia of sorts on the Joni Mitchell song by the same name, in 2007. Its lyrical contents may or may not still be applicable to who I am today, depending on whether I am lying.

Yes, the song is named after the Joni Mitchell song.

Yes, the lyrics to the chorus are identical. Yes, the rest of the lyrics are mine, all mine.

Yes, the music was made from a slowed-down, beefed up, drum-enhanced sample of another song whose name and creator I do not remember.

Yes, this is acceptable within the realm of music, especially within the realm of hip hop, whose roots rest squarely in the art of sampling and re-purposing.

Yes, all the vocals are mine, all mine.

Yes, you can have it for free.

Yes, you can and should share it with your friends, family, enemies, ex-significant others.

Definitely share it with your ex-significant others. You'll look like a perfect lady/gentleman compared to the me represented in this song.

Will Tries to Pour Heart out to Tony Beneath Major Low-Flying Airplane Corridor

2010-04-26T15:32:00.001-05:00

This is just a very rough rough-in of a sketch comedy idea Tony and I came up with. All improvised using some sound effects on Tony's phone. Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/willconley777

Dr. Strangetweet: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Sponsor

2010-04-23T18:20:00.001-05:00

I am experimenting with in-stream advertising on Twitter.

I am terrified of losing friends over it.

What is in-stream advertising?

In-stream advertising is allowing an advertiser to post a tweet using your Twitter username, among your regular updates. An in-stream ad usually has a description of the product or service, and a link. Such an ad also contains a disclaimer hashtag for transparency, such as #ad, #paid, or #spon (short for "sponsored").

The idea is you would post multiple regular tweets (5, 10, 20, hundreds) per single ad. Theoretically this would strike a fine balance between regular content and paid content, so that no one calls you nasty names like "spammer" or "marketer" or "capitalist" or "content provider" or "deserve to get paid for all the work you put into creating interesting stuff online" or...

Oh wait, maybe advertising isn't all bad. After all, we let television and radio and movie theaters and the ass of your pants have advertising. Why not a tweet stream?

There are two common types of in-stream advertising:

Contract: The advertiser pays you a certain amount of money to post a few tweets via your stream over a given time frame. For example, an advertiser might tweet through your profile three times in a week - once at the beginning of the campaign, once in the middle, and once at the end of the week. They might even rent your Twitter background design on the Web for the same period, as in the case of Twittad (although Twittad 2.0, due out next week, is updating some of its distribution methods. Big things are brewing there.) When the period is complete, you are paid through PayPal.
PPC: Pay-per-click. You are only paid when someone clicks a link in the ad posted through your Twitter username. Dozens of ad networks use PPC as their distribution/revenue model. Magpie is a big one. MyLikes is another.

For normal human beings who lack superpowers such as flight, superstrength, or mainstream fame, payouts are usually a few bucks. Not bad. Not Benjamin-burnin' money, not "I'm On a Boat", but not bad.

I am trying multiple Twitter in-stream advertising networks because I want to compare them. Which ones have the best revenue model? Which ones do advertisers like the most? Which ones do I as the user like the most? Which ones do my friends and followers like the most?

I am taking it very, very slow. I am working with a live audience here - my followers. There is no controlled survey panel, here.

If I tweet out the wrong type of ad, or if a product or service I help to promote does not at least somewhat measure up to my standards, I will be rightly seen as untrustworthy, and my revenue model - *trust* - is gone.

That's why I'm terrified. Well, no, not terrified. Not after writing this post. Just scared. No...not even scared.

Actually, the fear is gone. I have confidence in what I create and share online. I believe in the words I write, the films I shoot, the photos I snap and select, and the other things I share. I believe in the genuineness of the relationships I have cultivated, and I am not afraid to lose a few ideologues who frown on the idea of making money from the content I create.

Those same ideologues are probably too busy blithely sitting through and readily tolerating a television commercial for Goldman Sachs to care about little old me, the free-of-charge content production machine.

We should all get paid for our efforts. And besides, the advertisers I take on to support me? I guarantee I am not letting anything by me. If it's not relevant, if it's trash, I am not running it. All of my advertisers have to have something going for them - a product or service that I am not ashamed to show to my friends - before I approve them.

To be continued, when I feel like it. :)

For a good time, visit:

Twitter: http://twitter.com/willconley777/
Facebook: http://facebook.com/wconley/
Posterous: http://willconley.posterous.com/
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/willconley777

And for my fellow social media omnivores, my entire Web footprint: http://willconley.extendr.com/

A Sort of Ode: Nature, Man, and Why I Respect Anyone Who Chooses to Exist

2010-04-23T13:36:00.001-05:00

Mankind is an astounding innovation.

We procreate, we fill the Earth, we alter Her skin. We send bits of Her to other spheres, sometimes even riding along in little Earth bubbles, and back again.

We hold hammers and swing cities into existence. Show me one volcano that can do that.

Mankind can out-blast a volcano. Nukes. Out-sweet sugar cane. Aspartame. With paint we vie with flowers and macaws. The Sistine Chapel. Mankind is skilled in mimicry, driven by ego, helped by cunning, given wing by dream, and foiled by choice.

We do these miracles - for better or for worse - despite impossible odds. Such power deserves respect.

When you respect someone, you honor his appointment as drafted host to the awesome forces of nature that move through him.

We did not ask to be born. We were selected for the job of existing. Within our bodies course dozens of hormones each with its purpose, each its predestined agenda. With microscopic cells nature builds our bodies and conducts an endocrine symphony of autonomic functions and semi-conscious urges - including those that direct us to eat, sleep, fuck, and defend.

To make matters more complex we are arranged in interdependent communities of humans within an interdependent ecology of plants, animals, minerals, and astronomical forces. How we deal with this system of urges and consequences determines how gracefully we behave.

It's a hard job, existence. Yet here we are, transcending our limits daily and constantly bringing psychedelic dreams into the material world.

That is why I respect any individual who chooses to live, and why you should respect him too.

On Being Twitter-Genuine

2010-04-23T11:52:00.001-05:00

I like social media. I use it for fun. I use it to connect with people, trade thoughts, open doors, and enrich my world IRL (In Real Life).

I use Twitter the most of all my Web profiles. Its 140-character limit encourages thought condensation. Twitter forces you to crack the shell and present the nutmeat of your message.

What are most people looking for when they go online?

Enrichment. That's it. People go online to enrich their lives - and the lives of others, believe it or not - through knowledge, information, interaction, creation, and commerce.

People want to feel as though they are not just wasting time and energy staring at a computer screen and tapping away at buttons. Activity does not equal experience. Those who go online to waste time just haven't found what they are looking to experience. It's easy to get caught up in virtual distractions and aimless Web wandering.

We need realness. Texture. A pulse.

On Twitter specifically, we need you to be more genuine. We need to feel as though your tweets are popping off the screen, and entering your being, and changing who we are in some small way.

How to be more genuine? Put another way, how can you be more you, online?

The first thing you need to understand is that the real world - the offline world - is better than anything you can find online. The five senses must never be forsaken. Understand this, and you will bring a vibrancy to your Twitter persona that 95% of users seem to have forgotten.

I spend a lot of time online. But I'm a multi-tasker, as they say. I walk a lot. I talk with real people wherever I go. I'm outgoing. I look at the world. As I write this, I see mountains to my right, and a clear blue sky above. The weather is chilly for a Southern California April, about 60 degrees. There is music playing on the outdoor speakers here at this coffee shop. "Hearts of Fire." Traffic rolls on all around me. People getting in and out of their cars.

Real life is what you want to share online. Avoid getting caught up in link bait (the gratuitous sharing of links), and other self-referential treasure hunts leading nowhere.

Be you. Be a thinking person. Be a philosopher. A humorist, an observer, a communicator, a mother, a musician, a Costco employee. Be what you are, and strive towards what you wish you were. Reach out to people. Share what you are feeling for real. Tell the world where you're at, what you are doing. The mundane details of life, the amazing revelations that occur to you through your senses or through your soul.

Share multi-media when appropriate. Direct friends and acquaintances to things online that you find amusing or useful or moving.

But be always on the lookout for that which is genuine. Don't be afraid to say something controversial. There is too much self-policing going on both online and offline. We don't need self-censorship, because that is boring and useless. We need genuine thoughts.

We need you to be yourself. If you do that, people will flock to you. We're hungry for the genuine.

For a good time, go to:

Twitter: http://twitter.com/willconley777/
Facebook: http://facebook.com/wconley/
Posterous: http://willconley.posterous.com/

And for my fellow social media omnivores, my entire Web footprint: http://willconley.extendr.com/

Untitled

2010-04-21T13:19:00.001-05:00

This is the latest in my series of documentary video clips starring my friend Tony, who is black. Followers of this series know Tony to be a frightening figure, what with his being from the ghetto. Note the intimidating bling (Blackberry on a lanyard) bouncing from Tony's neck. As you might already be aware, I am only friends with Tony, a.k.a. "The Tiger", because I am afraid not to be. You understand, right? Here he is depicted effing ish up, old school, on the real, in Oaktown, but in Los Angeles, but actually Azusa. Ish is rough here.

Here also is a new character in the saga: Victor, who is Latino.

For the record, I myself, who am white, am white.

Get to know Tony in-depth: http://willconley.posterous.com/tag/tony

Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/willconley777

"Stone, Gem, Rock." (My third set of three related haikus a.k.a. "tri-ku".)

2010-04-20T16:08:00.001-05:00

Humming through darkness,
palm thumps stone. Fingers encage.
Water falls, stone glows.

"There it is, your gem.
"You've barely scratched the surface.
"All this time, still pure."

Nodding donkeys pump
black gold from blue and green rock
awash in starlight.

Three related haikus, or "tri-ku." Example here.

2010-04-14T14:07:00.001-05:00

Lines. Calligrapher
meditates, drags brush through ink.
Stroke: "Vapor, Air, Sky."

Condensation trail
horizon to horizon
begins to disperse.

Razor crosses palm.
Platelets like poppies bloom one
by one by one by

The Crystal Ball: These Eventualities I Prognosticate

2010-04-14T10:43:00.001-05:00

The next step in our cultural evolution is the televised celebration of self-actualization, followed immediately by the realization of the movie Idiocracy.
After Idiocracy, a religion of sticks and stones that emphasizes not sitting on cacti and hot stoves will spread like wildfire.
Economists will rule all. Unfortunately everyone will fancy himself an economist, so, still more-or-less anarchy but with dolphin-safe tuna.
Then, philosophers will emerge from the rabble. People will say how smart the philosophers are and how cute they look in cages.
Philosopher-safe tuna will be invented.
All the bubble gum will lose its flavor. A dark time.
At that point the sky will turn forever grey due not to global warming or other chemical or physical change, but to a lack of imagination. The good news: Charlie Chaplin will make a comeback. The bad news: It will be as the title role in "Weekend at Bernie's 4,753."
Then IQs will soar. Children will play Duck, Duck, Partical Accelerator. Mindful parents will play "Baby Jung" to their newborns.
Mysteriously, socks will cease losing their partners in the laundry.
At some point, reality television will depict a suburban strip mall and people saying "Hey, Hi, What up," and not really playing head games.
The last possible date of the apocalypse will pass without incident. In the face of such security and well-being, a general sense of meaninglessness will pervade the popular landscape.
Finally, Conan O'Brien will migrate to TBS. The end.

- inspired by Nostradamus, Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, and the distinct sensation that I am dematerializing

Built to Last: Here I note 2 archaeological discoveries of the distant future, and 2 older ones (4 images w/descriptions)

2010-04-14T10:02:00.001-05:00

Four photos of logos built to last, two of them contemporary:

A communications conduit access cover stamped with the Verizon logo, circa 2000 A.D. Will be excavated at Azusa, California.
A power conduit access cover stamped with the Edison logo, circa 2000 A.D. Will be excavated at Azusa, California.

And two older logos for comparison's sake:

Roman Legionary stamped brick from the Roman Tenth Legion that sacked Jerusalem, c. 70 A.D. Such stamped bricks paved roads and comprised buildings.
A personal seal that belonged to a military commander, c. 650 A.D. This seal is rare in that it depicts a Hebrew in the style of an Assyrian warrior.

Within a range of intention, a random outcome. (Photo)

2010-04-13T20:04:00.001-05:00

I am proud of these photos.

2010-04-12T12:07:00.001-05:00

Each of these streak photos was taken along San Gabriel Parkway in Azusa, California while rapidly moving the lens across, toward, or away from the subject using a Samsung R451C cell phone equipped with a very basic 1.3-megapixel camera and tuned in Picasa 3. In my opinion the most geometrically complex photos in this set were captured during an apex of a zig-zag or shaking motion. The photos are meant to be viewed in a series, but I'm curious as to whether you have any favorite shots.

A trio of haikus.

2010-04-11T15:32:00.001-05:00

Speeding comet tail
like whip of lion tamer
cracks upon Leo.

Horizons dilate.
Pupils stretch to lines, reaching.
Places weave fingers.

"Grapevine," said the post,
"Climb. Cling slowly. Cover me."
In darkness, tendrils.

- Originally posted on my Twitter. (@AlanEggleston commented: That's why they invented the exclamation point. "!")

There is something so triumphant and so undeniable about a well-executed flash mob.

2010-04-10T21:10:00.001-05:00

via youtube.com

Some things you just have to respect.

Frankly, this is one of the most beautiful public stunts I have ever seen.

2010-04-10T17:48:00.001-05:00

via youtube.com

Dearest Suniva: The Sacred Love Letter, Cornerstone of Our Civilization

2010-04-10T01:57:00.001-05:00

The only favor she ever asked of him was to write her a love letter.

He wouldn't do it.

He never did it.

But then he did.

When she read it, it broke her.

The Love Letter was written in indigo ink on an 8-1/2 X 11 sheet of premium printer paper folded in three sections and tucked into a business envelope sealed to the corners. On the front of the envelope in indigo ink was her name:

Suniva.

Dearest Suniva.

That is how the Love Letter began.

Dearest Suniva.

That is all we know of the Love Letter. The rest has been surmised through decades of scholarly research since its discovery at the Atlantis Dig. Most data pertaining to the Love Letter is sourced in the oral traditions of families whose chief occupation has for centuries been the preservation of the metaphysical human heart.

According to the Keepers of the Oral Traditions of the Metaphysical Human Heart, the Love Letter opened with an anecdote. A little story about the sender's morning, which contained rain. A sentence or two to set the scene, so that the recipient could imagine him sitting down to write. Imagine him thinking of her, thinking of what to say.

With his indigo ballpoint pen he addressed his Dearest Suniva. His only Suniva, his darling Suniva, his Suniva forever and ever. The handwriting was flowing script, for he was of the morbid sort, and she the sort who longed to be imbibed.

There is some conflict on this point. Some Keepers of the Oral Traditions of the Metaphysical Human Heart insist that the Love Letter was written in the neat, block print of a successful IT engineer. Others passionately argue that it was the chicken scratch of a broke artist.

The Love Letter contained three fresh strawberries of the sweetest variety, the kind you can purchase only by the side of a highway. It also contained one bunch of grapes, plucked one by one and fed to a goddess. There was also a pomegranate, halved, its powerful seeds glistening amber in the sun by a tree by the lake in the summer.

The sentiments expressed in the Love Letter were born in the great hall of the great palace in little storybooks worn soft through years of "Read it again", and the Love Letter whipped up stardust bouquets through ominous astrological constellations.

It quoted Yeates and also Dickinson, if tradition is correct.

These are the facts.

They who recount the nature of the Love Letter invariably – to a person – take on a rosy glow when doing so. Their eyes close to slits as a smile approaches the corners of their lips which, when opened to speak, give the listener the impression he is opening the Love Letter for the first time - and that he is she who first opened it untold eons ago.

"The Love Letter," say the Keepers of the Oral Traditions of the Metaphysical Human Heart, "is our Rosetta Stone."

The Love Letter, in addition to being the cornerstone of our modern era, is well understood to have been extremely sexy. The Keepers maintain that the recipient of the Love Letter turned white upon reading it, and died of empty veins. No evidence of a wound is mentioned in the fossil record.

The envelope and salutation of the Love Letter will be on display at the British Museum of Natural Love through Thursday, December 87th, 3045. Tickets: $140 million. Students and Seniors: $40 trillion. Telepath Joe Kearney, docent, for more information.

###

Dearest Suniva,

I love you so much, baby. Hope you're having a nice day.

Love,
Joe Mann ;)

Get to know Tony's patented walk: "The Tiger"

2010-04-09T14:31:00.001-05:00

This is my friend Tony's patented walk. It is called "The Tiger," because that is Tony's nickname. Tony is was too awesome for the front of a Wheaties box, so they stole his nickname and made a mascot out of him for the front of a box of Frosted Flakes. Tony didn't sue, because Tony is nice like that. But if you diss his walk, he will sue. He will sue you right into the East River.

Note: Audio track was paid for dearly, but I could only afford 27 seconds of music. The film you are about to see is 34 seconds in length. To offset this handicap, you are encouraged to whistle the "Smurfs" theme for the remainder of the video, as Tony demonstrates here.

Another note: This is merely how Tony walks when he is not driving his whore magnet.

My shadow looks very trucker. My jeans look pasted-in. Weird.

2010-04-09T12:50:00.001-05:00

Row of Salvador Dali bronzes depicting Don Quixote. What is this technique called?

2010-04-09T10:17:00.001-05:00

I saw these at the Shatford Library yesterday near the old printing press and the 1948 Intertype.

I've got questions for anyone who knows.

1. Are all of these made of bronze, do you suppose? What gives some their gold tone and others their silver tones? Does it have something to do with galvanization?
2. What is this technique called - in which the material is raised three-dimensionally? Are these called "bronze casts"? "bronze bas-reliefs"? "bronze wall hangings?"
3. Is the subject Don Quixote as I guessed?

Even if you don't know, educated guesses would be appreciated. I ask out of plain curiosity.

Mariachis stormed my coffee shop this morning looking like a million bucks.

2010-04-09T09:59:00.001-05:00

Nine nice young mariachis, El Mariachi Juvenil, stopped off here at Starbucks in Azusa, my usual morning spot, on their way to a gig. They were all smiles and good vibes and holding sandwiches. Not all appeared to be Latino. They humored my request to pose for me -- minus one mariachi, who was absorbed in a conversation with someone off to the side.

They were nice enough to pose, so I'll be nice enough to pimp them out. Here you go:

Their business card reads:

Front:
Haga Su Fiesta Inolvidable con El Mariachi Juvenil (Make your party unforgettable with the Youth Mariachi)
Camino Real (Royal Road)
David & Rosalva Martinez
Información (626) 334-1193

Back:
Mariachi Juvenil
Camino Real
Musica Para Todo Ocasión (Music for All Occasions)
David & Rosalva Martinez
Información (626) 334-1193

1948 Intertype C4 used keyboard and molten metal to produce lines of type for newspapers.

2010-04-08T14:53:00.001-05:00

Shatford Library, PCC campus, again. (See a simple printing press here.)

Old Printing Press in the Shatford Library at Pasadena City College

2010-04-08T14:39:00.001-05:00

Meet Tony's whore magnet: a 1934 Ford suped-up with a gratuitous fifth wheel.

2010-04-08T14:11:00.001-05:00

This is my black friend Tony's bitchin' pimpmobile. You might know Tony from such films as "Meet Tony. He's Hardcore" (http://bit.ly/meettony).

This dream machine kicks out 40 horses on four massively tiny cylinders. She's a state-of-the-art 1934 Ford with sweet rims, plus an extra wheel up front by the driver's seat so Tony, a.k.a. "The Tiger," can caress it like a woman's head when he kicks back and rolls through the 'hood in this teal whore-magnet.

Tony is pictured here with this, his preferred mode of urban jungle-ruling, sporting a fresh, steaming cup of Starbucks Pike Roast, because he does not. Mess. Around.

Even though Tony, who is very special as you can see in the YouTube video here, kicks my ass every morning when I see him chillin' by Starbucks just to help me to understand his plight as a black man, I hang out with him because I'm scared not to.

Tony owns the title and deed to this killer piece of machinery. Ask him to show it to you sometime. I dare you.

What rain wrought. (Slide show.)

2010-04-05T14:37:00.001-05:00

This is how I roll: Blazin' C-notes on C-road, takin' photos for slide shows.

2010-04-05T09:46:00.001-05:00

Straight baller, shot caller.

Solar-powered compacting streetside trash can in Pasadena, CA

2010-04-04T15:54:00.001-05:00

Good idea, right?

Egg crate backpack/toolbox

2010-04-03T23:20:00.001-05:00

A man on the street named Monty here in Azusa was sporting this homemade back-mounted toolbox and pushing a homemade cart, which I found less interesting. This backpack, being made of plastic, must be oiled on occasion to retard the California sun's ravages on its composition. The body-side of the pack is padded with some kind of soft rubber. He carries hammers and other hard or sharp objects in it. Interesting bit of insane ingenuity, no? Is there anything like this that is mass-produced? Holla if you know.

"A Bedtime Story for Weary Princesses and Confused Frogs" by Will Conley

2010-03-30T21:24:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time there was a little frog swimming. This princess came up and kissed him. Got right down in the mud and fucked up her dress to kiss the handsome little frog. He was a charming frog. She kissed him right on the head. He was like, "Wrong species, lady, men are in aisle six." She was offended. "Ungrateful..." she muttered as she walked off.

The frog didn't change. He stayed the same. That's redundant, but so was the frog, for he had a twin. But the twin was not a frog. He was a man. I don't remember what their mom and dad were. Probably a devil's food cake and a red velvet cake, I don't know, it's fucked up.

The princess walked over to aisle six, for in those days nature was organized into neat rows. Sure enough, aisle six was lousy with men. Men all sitting on shelves, playing cards and cursing and doing whatever it is men do when they're stacked six high on both sides. Just passing the time, waiting for a princess. The princess walked down the aisle, thinking, "What a stupid story, Christ I hate my job," et cetera, when she stumbled upon a man who was not sitting on a shelf like he was supposed to. The man was actually standing there in the middle of the aisle, spouting shitty old pick-up lines.

"Nice shoes. Do you have a quarter? Did it hurt?" the man babbled, grabbing on his nuts.

That didn't last. "Cleanup on aisle six," shouted the clouds, and washed the man into the ocean. Oceans were in the back of the planet stuffed in cardboard boxes labeled "vast," "treacherous," "more like a lake," et cetera.

The princess walked on. "So far, no plot," she mused, brushing the weeping willows out of her eyes. She had on some really nice makeup, so the producers were pretty happy about that.

The frog, however, realizing he needed to make a second appearance at some point before the end of the decidedly avante-garde story, jumped off Mount Rushmore (aisle 3, "Mountains/Morning Dew/Laughter") and said to the princess, "Princess. That goth look is beautiful. Really, I love it. But can't you do something softer? Maybe go more brown tones? I'm not asking you to do it all at once, just tone it down."

"But the producers..." the princess protested.

"Fuck 'em. You're not some character in a story, you're a human being. Just because some asshole thought you up, that don't make you his."

The princess, awed by this quasi-intellectualism on the part of the frog, listened, for she had nothing better to do, for she was lost among the organized wilderness of trees and stars (aisle 14); passion, the Saguaro National Forest, and peanut butter M&Ms (aisle pi); and various teenaged stock boys.

"That's all I got," the frog said.

"Pretty anti-climactic," the princess said, a disappointed smirk on her face. Her eyes nonetheless shone like moons and warmed the frog to his edible frog legs.

"Pretty non-sensical," the princess continued, merciless in her literary skills testing skills.

The frog wept, and wept. He hopped over a demi-god and sat in the corner by the children. The children were all badly behaved and $11.99 a pair.

The end.

Anatomy of Azusa

2010-03-30T11:08:00.001-05:00

It is commonly held that the founders of Azusa, California named it such because they envisioned it having "everything from A to Z in the USA", but one Los Angeles Times writer had another theory (via Wikipedia.)

Azusa has enough for me. I moved here from North Hollywood for more frugal living arrangements on March 10th, 2010. This small city (pop. 45,000) is cinched right up to the foothills of the Angeles National Forest, which is contiguous with the San Bernardino National Forest. The main drag in Azusa is Foothill Drive. I am writing this at a Starbucks situated on that road.

These photos are a slice of my life here in Azusa. My first weekend in town, I took a walk towards the mountains, intending to touch them. But they were farther than they looked, so after two miles I ended up sitting in a little concrete seating area among flowers.

There are plenty of palms here, and plenty of March sunshine.

Been exploring. My typical day involves laptop time at Starbucks, the library, and another coffee shop called Kelly's Coffee and Fudge (co-operated with a Greek bakery.) Sometimes I hit up a McDonald's for their free WiFi too, though the atmosphere is not "me". At all. Starbucks isn't me, either, for that matter, but they open early. I have been getting up at 5:00 a.m. every day and going to bed before midnight. That schedule works for me. I get plenty done. I write.

People are friendly here. People open doors for disabled people. Drivers stop at crosswalks.

There are things to do. I wouldn't call it everything A to Z though.

I did take a trip out to Venice Beach. A pilgrimage of sorts, an odyssey, even. I visited the small garage my dad rented out a block from the beach in the beatnik 1950s. Got on the phone with him and he was able to describe my surroundings in acute detail. Those were some formative years for my dad. Poetry, art. I paid homage. More on that in another post.

Yesterday my friends Tony and Victor and I piled in Victor's truck and drove around downtown L.A. Victor played the tour guide, describing everything as we wove through town. We didn't bother paying $3.00 per 15 minutes to park anywhere and walk around. Instead we drove to Pasadena and took a drive in the foothills where the rich and famous live. We identified one famous person's house: Delta Burke's. It's pink. It's gated. It's in the hills with all the other elite. Beautiful houses. I'd like one, please.

Back to Azusa. It's not exciting, but it's pretty, and I have new friends here. Friends who listen, friends who speak, friends who laugh.

See you next time.

Music, Writing, and You (and Me)

2010-03-18T10:17:00.001-05:00

True writing is indistinguishable from the spontaneous emotion that inspires it. The word and the deed are one.

The writer's first job is to listen. And to see with his eyes closed. Already you can see that writing is a black art. How can you see with your eyes closed? The experience is much the same as with your eyes open. This is a mystery.

I know when I have written something good when my chest rings like a bell. Words contain music. So do emotions, so does experience itself. What is music? Rhythm, tones, wavelengths, harmonies, dissonance. What is the solar system? A waltz, a bolero. Planets repeating their revolutions around the sun in an eternally evolving rhythmic relationship to each other. What is a heartbeat? It is a drum that fills you with life. What are colors? Differing wavelengths of light, similar in shape to sound waves.

My science could be off, but I believe in music. Call it a deity if you must. To me, writing is music. I found my writing voice only after listening to, playing, studying and composing music for years.

So I recommend you listen to, play, study, and even compose some music of your own. For years. Pick an instrument and get to know it. Learn about some basic music theory.

Words were, first and foremost, sounds. Those sounds arise from emotion. Emotion arises from instinct and "religious feeling" and whatnot. Our ancient yelps and cries and sighs and laughter were indistinguishable from the emotion that caused them. Word and deed were one.

Let word and deed be one in your writing. Immerse yourself in music.

Westward Invasion Complete. Commencing Overthrow of L.A.

2010-02-07T13:39:00.001-06:00

Not to get too militaresque here.

This is just a quick update for all those who follow this blog and want to know where I am at. I hope this answers a few questions.

The road trip was a success. Katherine and I had a complete ball exploring the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and most important, the people of these United States. We slept and spent time in a total of seven cities: Wichita, Dallas, Las Cruces, Tucson, Tempe, Las Vegas, and Los Angeles. We made day excursions to White Sands, the Saguaro National Forest, and Sedona. Katherine's journey is still on, but my move is complete.

Wichita: We spent one night here. Our hosts were young professional classical musicians, and together constituted the very best first CouchSurfing.org experience I could possible have asked for.

Dallas: Five nights here. Our host Ramano is an ER doctor and fitness buff with a very active social life. He and his friends showed Katherine and me a Dallas that we could never have experienced without such insider knowledge as has Ramano. We hung out at some beautiful restaurants and partook of two restaurant promotions in which we were served free Italian food and pizza. We visited the Sixth Floor Museum, where the alleged lone assassin shot JFK and lounged upon the grassy knoll. I attended a play called Hunter Gatherers, which was a perfect 10 (full review with video interviews forthcoming, for those of you who are still waiting for me to make good on that.)

Las Cruces: Our hosts David and Jessica were very sweet. Katherine and I were their second couch surfers ever. They took us out to a local joint for southwestern food. We had a great time joking and opining about the State of Things.

Tucson: If I can pick favorites (I can't), Tucson was my favorite city. Our host Kisani, a medical doctor training to become a psychiatrist, was lovely. She handed us party masks upon our arrival and pointed us to a warehouse masquerade ball full of dance performances, aerial acrobatics, feats of self-mutilation, great live music, and hundreds of Tucson denizens dressed in their finest masked attire. Katherine and I spent much of our time in Tucson frequenting the coffee shops in the area, two or three of which are 24-hour joints. I walked around downtown and along 4th Avenue a lot, taking in the aristic vagrant hippie atmosphere.

Phoenix/Tempe: We spent one night here. I hung out on the Arizona State University campus a bit, working and blogging, while Katherine was outon one of her many research meetings. We stayed with a group of guys in Tempe that were just really cool. One works for an airline, another is a political science major, and the third is a Finish immigrant exploring American culture. We all hung out over beer at their house.

Las Vegas: Katherine and I didn't stay on a CouchSurfing person's couch. Instead we stayed at the home of Ajay and Allison, who are friends of a friend of Katherine's. Now we are all just friends, without the "friend of a" prefix. I like when that happens.

L.A.: I took a Chinatown Bus from Vegas to my new home here, while Katherine stayed back a week in Vegas to do some more research for her long-term book project. My roommates/hosts/landlords/friends Paula and Aaron are great to hang with. Katherine will be staying on a couch here in my new nest for five days starting this evening.

That's the 411 history of Westward Invasion. Currently I am working on catching up with finances, as the road trip tore my wallet limb from limb. After I am caught up I intend to explore L.A., as well as the West at large. Concurrently I will be creating thigns. I will write, shoot and edit video of things, find out where the hip hop and poetry open mics are in the area, maybe hit up a few auditions for plays and films, whatever comes to mind.

I look forward to finding out how I can contribute to the arts and cultural scene of Los Angeles. As Emma, a friend and future collaborator of mine, and I say, "We're going to rock this little hamlet to its knees."

Sounds bytes won't do, this time.

2010-02-04T02:30:00.001-06:00

Download now or preview on posterous

I_have_to_write_a_story.odt (22 KB)

We lack the hypnotic long form.

Headed to L.A. Early: TODAY. Dispatch within...

2010-02-01T14:36:00.001-06:00

I am taking a Chinatown Bus from Las Vegas to Los Angeles at 2:45 p.m. today. It's a five-hour ride. Chinatown Bus is cheap: $30. Better than Greyhound. Megabus no longer exists for that route, otherwise I would have taken that for like a dollar. Seriously.

This adventure is not over, not drawing to a close - but unfolding into the next unknown, which I face squarely. I now walk into the future. We all do.

There is so much to write about. It will have to be a reflective series of after-thoughts, rather than a series of real-time dispatches.

I spend my first night in L.A. tonight. I am excited.

Vegas is cool. I did the Strip last night, just drove down it with hosts Ajay and Allison, who know Katherine from way back, in Minneapolis. Had a great dinner with them and a handful of other great peeps last night at an Indian restuarant called Gandhi.

The moon was big and yellow and low on the horizon last night around 8:00 p.m. Unbelievable.

Thoughts are a storm. A good, warm storm.

Sedona, Arizona is WOW. Pictures and story within...

2010-01-29T17:03:00.001-06:00

This is an amazing place. Katherine and I took a scenic detour on our way from Phoenix/Tempe to Flagstaff, by way of Sedona. We are now sitting in a great coffee shop in Sedona called Posse Grounds, as per the suggestion of sports writer and friend Brad Berreman, whose uncle John owns and operates Posse Grounds. Zane Aveton and Paula Kelley also urged Katherine and me to pass through Sedona if at all possible - an urging for which I am grateful.

Many say Sedona contains healing energy vortexes among the astonishing rock formations and plant life. Some say you can identify the locations of these energy vortexes by the telltale twisted trees and tree roots.

Come to Sedona, people. You need to be here. It's worth the time and energy. This is unique.

I snapped many photos, and due to the participatory nature of this adventure, I am posting pics of Posse Grounds for the benefit of those who participated via their computers and mobile phones. Real life happens.

Taking a breath to let you know what's going on...

2010-01-29T12:49:00.001-06:00

I haven't gotten a chance to write a proper blog post about Westward Invasion, Road Trip 2010, or whatever you want to call this Kerouacian journey I am on. Currently I am in a Starbucks on the Arizona State University campus in Phoenix. There is free WiFi here courtesy of ASU. I have made a dozen coffee shop stops, but mostly to work. (I write how-to articles for Demand Studios and do freelance marketing writing/design.)

To date, my travel buddy Katherine and I have slept in Wichita, Kansas; Dallas, Texas; Las Cruces, New Mexico; Tucson, Arizona; and Tempe, Arizona. She found all our hosts through CouchSurfing.org, a unique website that fosters cultural exchange through pay-it-forward couch surfing. CouchSurfing.org is a true, real-life community of networked individuals who enjoy traveling and exchanging cultural DNA. I am astounded by our hosts and how willing they are to share their world with Katherine and me.

It has been a wonderful time. Everything is going pretty damn well. I have met so many interesting people, seen so many beautiful things, that I haven't even begun to be able to express it all. I have stories to tell, portraits to paint in words. I have videos and photos to show you.

I intend to get it all down eventually. I want to spend some time singing the praises of all our hosts. I want to write that review of Hunter Gatherers, an AWESOME play I saw in Dallas (replete with actor interview footage courtesy of my Flip cam). I need to spend a blog post putting this all in context. I want to share some lessons I have learned, or at least some observations.

Travel is nothing new to me. I have been traveling and learning the ways of the world and my vast country for the past decade. This trip is unique, however, in that it encompasses real life and my Internet life and attempts to marry the two. As I said at the beginning of this post, it is difficult to keep up communications and also experience this journey first-hand. It's a balancing act.

Thanks to everyone who has been reading this blog. Please pass the URL on to those who want to share my interesting experience in real time. I will keep it up-to-date as much as possible, and when the journey is over, I will have a chance to upload some of the hundreds of videos and images I have gathered since January 18th of this year.

Next stop: Flagstaff. Then: Vegas.

Then my new home sweet home: North Hollywood, Los Angeles. I got a hunger for that city and I intend to eat the whole thing.

Phoenix!

2010-01-28T17:20:00.001-06:00

This building is downtown.

Birds: An Experiment in Motion and Perspective on Film

2010-01-28T13:45:00.001-06:00

Physicists and naturalists might like this. Birds flying in circles, feeding. Downtown Tucson, Arizona.

Katherine Makes Her Way Up White Sands

2010-01-28T13:40:00.001-06:00

This is White Sands, New Mexico, about 40 miles north of Las Cruces off Highway 70. White Sands is a gypsum deposit. Gypsum, which is water-soluble, is formed on mountains and washed into the sea by rivers. This being the center of the 6500-square mile Tularosa Basin, the gypsum deposits at White Sands had nowhere to go, thus forming these stunning dunes the color of snow. Don't be fooled by our cold-weather attire. There is no snow at White Sands. It was just a windy January day. The gypsum was packed relatively solid by rain the night before this video was shot, but you can still sink into the surface near the tops of the dunes, as you can see here. Watch all the way to the end to get an idea what happens when you finally emerge into the endless white vista beneath a New Mexico sky. Being there took my breath away. Behind me there are mountains, not shown here, which just...just...just go there. There is nothing like White Sands. I was moved.

Joseph Skewers Own Face at Masquerade Ball in Tucson

2010-01-28T13:36:00.001-06:00

Joseph is a fascinating artist. He does all manner of art, including face skewering, playing double-reeded woodwind instruments, DJing, painting, dressing up all rad, and being a nice guy. He is one tough mutha. I had the opportunity to record him on my Flip cam at Saturday's warehouse masquerade ball in Tucson, AZ and interview him a few times before and after his performances. Check out his extreme closeup near the end of the video, and what he says when I ask him how much it hurts.

Mountain, Moon, Palm, Cloud

2010-01-26T21:38:00.001-06:00

The corner of Spring and Campbell, Tucson, AZ, around sunset, outside Coffee X Change.

Sexy Silk Acrobatics at a Warehouse Masquerade Ball in Tucscon

2010-01-25T12:16:00.001-06:00

We got into town two nights ago. Our host Kisani handed Katherine and me each a $2.99 party mask and told us there would be a warehouse masquerade ball that night, replete with silk scarf aerial acrobats, opera singers on stilts, self-mutilation performance artists, live bands and DJs, and much more. There were about 300 people in attendance, most of them wearing all manner of masks. In this video you will see those masks, as well as a clip of the silks performance.

More to come. This blogging thing is hard from the road. Videos take so long to upload and process when you're sitting in a WiFi coffee shop.

15-second video: Two Minnesotans Get OWNED by a Texas Tumbleweed

2010-01-24T17:14:00.001-06:00

Katherine and I are commenting on tumbleweeds like the West Texas newbies that we are. Then we get one in the face. Goofy hilarity outside of Odessa, Texas.

Fast Forwarding Through Winter - Guest Post by Katherine Glover

2010-01-20T11:01:00.001-06:00

My friend and travel buddy, journalist Katherine Glover, wrote a post on her private blog about Day One of our road trip as seen through her eyes. She granted me permission to re-post her words here. I enjoyed it. I hope you will too:

Driving south was like fast forwarding through winter. We got to see all the different phases: the slushy, muddy, melting phase; the scattered patches of snow phase; the snow-is-all-gone-but-grass-is-brown-and-u

gly phase; etc.

Now that I'm in Dallas, I keep doing that thing where I leave a restaurant and I feel like I'm forgetting something, because I'm so used to picking up my coat, scarf, hat and gloves before I leave anywhere. This happens to me every end-of-winter; it's just usually not in January.

We also drove through a lot of fog, which was kind of cool but also kind of scary. Here's a pic:

Photo credit: The Unfathomable Will Conley

We left Sunday morning (a day later than originally planned), stopped overnight in Wichita and then drove the rest of the way to Dallas, where we'll be until Friday. We're using couch surfing, an organization that lets you network with other travelers and find free places to stay. It's a great idea, not just for financial reasons but also because you get somewhere and you already have people to talk to and hang out with. So far everyone we've met has been awesome. The only thing more I could wish for at this point is an extra ten or so hours of sleep.

Katherine Glover writes a daily food industry blog at BNET. A recent post of hers reports that Hugo Chavez has nationalized yet another economic sector in Venezuela: a supermarket chain! Read it: http://industry.bnet.com/food/10001249/chavez-government-occupies-french-supermarket-chain-in-venezuela/

The Full Story: Why and How I Am Moving to L.A. - and How You Can Help

2009-12-21T20:46:00.001-06:00

My name is Will Conley, and I am looking for a few square feet to rest my head in Los Angeles for $300 a month beginning February 7th, 2010 for the duration at least the next few months of my interesting life.

I am traveling there from the Twin Cities, Minnesota via three-week road trip beginning January 16th.

I know how this sounds. Three hundred bucks a month in Los Angeles?! Ha ha ha! Good luck! Such have been some of the reactions to my all-points bulletin. An understandable response!

But my faith is unshakeable.

My basic needs are surprisingly simple: A few square feet of space to rest my head: A room, living room, a cave. The use of a shared kitchen and bathroom. Access to WiFi.

That's it. That's all I want.

Do you know someone - including yourself - who could use an extra $300 a month in exchange for a clean, quiet roommate? If so, please email me: willconley777 at gmail dot com.

So who am I, anyway?

I am a creative person. My bread and butter is freelance writing. My basic source of income is through http://DemandStudios.com, a web content production company. I mainly write how-to articles. Topics range from the mind-numbingly simple (How to Tie Your Shoes) to the somewhat more complex (How to Convert WAV Files to MP3, How to Produce Better Tone on a Euphonium).

My creative pursuits include writing, film production, and comedy. (See my YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/willconley777 for some samples.) I have traveled and lived throughout the world in various capacities. My earlier days of travel were the most exotic and "noteworthy" of my adventures: I lived in Paris for a month in 1999 on a University of Minnesota program; appeared in the original London cast of a Tony- and Emmy-winning musical called Blast! in 2000; worked for the National Journal in Washington D.C. on a political journalism internship in 2001.

In Minneapolis, my hometown, I attended the University of Minnesota and formed an arts collective called "Afunctionul". I also learned how to write and perform spoken word poetry and hip hop. In Minnesota, I performed extensively in Minneapolis and St. Paul (2000-2004). Elsewhere, I made a small name for myself as a poet and rapper in New Haven, Connecticut (2004-2007). I lived in Roswell, New Mexico for the last six months of 2007 as a construction worker; I lived in Yonkers, New York for the entirety of 2008 as a writer. I love New York.

I have a taste for the varied and interesting. That is why my next move will be to Los Angeles. Until recently, I had only heard negative things about it. I had been planning to move to San Francisco. When I learned that L.A. was a creative and cultural hub, and not just some washed-out Hollywood ghost town like so many led me to believe, I decided to change plans. After all, half the reason I am moving is for the warm climate; Los Angeles beats San Francisco hands-down in that arena.

I have designs on "settling down" in L.A. permanently. Although I love to wander, I am now 29 years old. I figure L.A. is the perfect place for a wanderer to call home. It is gigantic. I love big cities. I have spent much time in New York City, and I love it there, but L.A. suits my warm blood much better. Long may the sun shine on SoCal.

You can learn more about my mind, personality, history, professional resume, and everything else, via http://willconley.extendr.com. That's my entire Web footprint. Fair warning: It's huge. (Cliff's Notes: Friend me on Facebook at http://facebook.com/wconley. Get LinkedIn with me at http://www.linkedin.com/in/willconley. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/willconley777.)

One other curiosity about this permanent move is the route by which I will arrive. I will be driving with a journalist friend named Katherine Glover (http://katherineglover.net), who is traveling throughout the West on research for a series of articles about human trafficking (Interesting, right?) We will go down through the Midwest, Texas, the Southwest, and finally Los Angeles. Katherine will continue on to Fresno, where she will be performing in a one-woman show, after which she will drive home through Denver. The reason this aspect of my move is so interesting to me is because it matches up beautifully with a dream I dreamed early this year (2009). Check it out: http://americanwest.crowdvine.com

I have been using the above social networks to get the word out about my need to rent those few square feet of space (or "a clean, well-lighted place," if I am to affect my best Hemingway.) My needs are very simple, as you can see. I travel light. My only belongings will fit inside a couple of suitcases and a backpack. I will carry with me an air mattress, so that even if I end up with an unfurnished place, I will be able to sleep soundly.

I have plenty of references and testimonials, both from people I know only online and from people I have known or lived with in real life. Get in touch with me via willconley777 at gmail dot com if you think I am someone with whom you can share a living space.

Life is an adventure. Take risks. Be safe. Live fully. Give me a try as a roommate if you think you can use $300 a month.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me to get the word out about this. When you are done reading this, please consider taking me up on this offer if you live in L.A. In addition, spread the word! Link to this article and send it to people you trust.

Thanks again and Merry Christmas.

Sincerely,

Will Conley

http://portraitsofnausea.com/post/281816668/mention-douchebag-automatic

Humorist Jerry Abejo Mentions Me in "portraits of nausea"

2009-12-14T16:40:00.001-06:00

The Decline and Fall of the Word "Douchebag"

2009-12-12T13:12:00.001-06:00

I rest my case. "Douchebag" is dying. There there, my douche. There there. I said it was dying, not dead. We're all dying. Feel better now?

Long, long ago (Spring 2009) in a social network far, far away (Twitter, click here) I overheard (saw) David Armano (@armano) say (tweet) ENOUGH WITH THE PARENTHETICAL ASIDES ALREADY (okay, okay) the word "douchebag". Naturally, I engaged him in some stimulating scholarly dialogue about the popular status of the word "douchebag". Douchebag, douchebag, douchebag. It really is a satisfying, mildly offensive word, isn't it? Like a nice, milky, hefeweisen drunk by the fake fire, "douchebag" goes down easy.

Heh heh, I said "goes down".

So David crosses his legs and he says to me:

"Why William! My good man. I daresay. Fucking 'douchebag' is all the rage! Is it not what all the children - Jeeves! Get me my bowler! Good man! - is "douchebag" not simply the most amenable utterance among the youth of our day?"

I lowered my monocle and replied:

"My dear friend. David. Davidoff. Can I call you Davidoff? Davidoff. Davidhoffen. Meister. I shall call you Davidhoffenmeister. Davidhoffenmeister? Davidhoffenmeister. I daresay 'Douchebag' has been in decline for nigh on some goodly time, now, I would imagine. Why, upon my word, at my last high society function in a shithole basement apartment in Alphabet City, I heard the word 'douchebag' on eleven, perhaps twelve different occasions, not counting the use of the 'douchebag automatic.'"

Davidhoffenmeister cleared his throat:

"'Douchebag automatic', William? Whatever do you mean?"

I was like:

"Douchebag automatic. 'Tis when your 'mate' says 'douchebag' three dozen times in the telling of a single droll anecdote."

And Davidhoffenmeisterweisenheimer was all:

"Oh. Well then. Why do you say, my goodly gentleman from Andover or some shit, that 'douchebag' is in decline?"

And I said, like bam:

"Just as an aging star glows brightest in its death throes, or as the Roman Empire rushed headlong into a spectacular fiscal expenditure spree on muskets and F-14 stealth jetpacks during its final moments before the Hitler came in and nuked those douchebags to Timbuktu, 'douchebag' is heard everywhere now only in paean to its own demise."

I showed him a graph. Much like the one you see in this post. Its contents speak for themselves. But I will speak over its contents anyway. It says Facebook users don't use "douchebag" as often as they used to. It peaked in 2007 and has been in decline ever since. While network television continues its increase of the word "douchebag", the Facebook elite (all eleventeen million of them) are no longer as tickled by the word.

Davidhoffenmeisterweisenheimenkopf laughed a jolly laugh, took a sip of brandy, said "Fuck that noise, Jeeves, gimme quaaludes", and said:

"Jolly good show, William! Jolly good, jolly good. I see you have bested me yet again!"

After which, Davidhoffenmeisterweisenheimenkopffleupagus and I headed out for a sporting round of Scottish baseball (such a wee little ball!) and some crumpets and empire building.